After meeting Heidegger (thanks to my online friends) now I'm being introduced to Kierkegaard. I've come to him through the books written by a Jesuit priest, Thomas Hidya Tjaya. His book "Peziarahan HATI" is really inspiring for me. It's like written to help me arrange my mind and heart. It confirms some of my thoughts, and it helps me to look for a better way into my arrangement of life. Being taken by his book, I googled and found out that he had written a book titled "Kierkegaard dan Pergulatan Menjadi Diri Sendiri" (Kierkegaard and The Struggle of Being One's Self). Fortunately, the writer's sister is my neighbour, so I don't need to look into shelves in the book stores. I only need to e-mail, and to knock on my neighbour's door to borrow the book from the family library.
It is the title that attracted me. Being online (and being a part of social media activities) made me realized a lot of things. There are those which are real, and there are also others that are actually unreal. I once prayed that I don't want to loose myself, my being "me". Yet, now I'm uncertain if I've ever had myself. Do I really realize who am I? What am I doing here in this world? What should I do here? Those questions were playing around in my head and that was the reason behind my being attracted to the book about Kierkegaard. I don't even know Kierkegaard, but the title of that book attracts me. How can I possibly loose myself if I've never have it since the beginning? Or may be not that extreme, may be it's just that I've never realized who is the real me? And actually I have the same question like him, “What am I supposed to do?”
This book introduce me to Kierkegaard's opinion, "I choose, therefore, I exist." To this moment I was always in the same boat as Descartes, "I think, therefore, I am". Being introduced into silent meditation made "my being" struggled. During this Christian Meditation I shouldn't think. Without thinking I was lost...at least that's how I felt at first. Then, I choose to manage myself. I tried to work on my silent relation with Him... At first I was lost because I used to meditate with the Bible in my mind, and I feel free to travel with my mind into His words (which was really meaningful for me and my friends). Without my wandering mind I felt nothing... Yet, within the process I didn't want to get myself attached too much into methods. I would like to feel free to absorb His presence without a special bond to a certain method. So, now I understand the real meaning of "I choose, therefore, I exist."
Kierkegaard had concentrated on the choice made in every step of human's life. I'm struggling with that. If we're facing the good and evil, it wouldn't be difficult for me to choose. Yet, when facing two good reasons, I don't really know which one should I choose. Which choice is according to God's will and it shouldn't be affected by my own preferences.
Just as Adam and Eve have chosen to eat the forbidden fruit, our being are also depending on choices that we've made. Yet, there's always a mystery of His Being, the mystery which was called by our ancestors as destiny. In certain moments we need to surrender ourselves to the Absolute Being, as there are certain moments when logic isn't working and there's no way of choosing your own path.
As for the Church, I've chosen to see the Church as a symbol. These days there are a lot of priests humiliate their own sacred promises. We shouldn't see them as the Church. I've seen them as individuals who are responsible for their own actions. I won't make it as an obstacle for my being with Him. The relation between His Being and my being is really personal, I hope I can manage to keep it that way. I do not want to make others' deceptive actions made me ruin my own relation with Him.
